Enthusing over cruising

Once the tugs had manoeuvred us out from our berth we had an interesting voyage out of Hamburg on the Queen Mary 2. This was on the third morning of our recent cruise, but unfortunately I didn't get to see the first section of the 80 mile journey along the Elbe river, and towards the sea. I didn’t know I would be missing something special, and it was only after meeting up with Mrs PBT’s after our individual breakfasts, that I learned I hadn't seen the best part of the river. This was because as our boat let go of the tug lines, and we slipped into the mainstream of the river, I had left Eileen in the cabin, getting stuck into her cooked breakfast – courtesy of room service.

She’d enjoyed breakfast in the room every morning except the last, and that was only because it wasn’t available for those departing the ship that day. She’s been a fan of “room service” for as long as I’ve known her, but I’ve always preferred the slightly more formal option in any hotel or B&B, of going down to the dining room, and enjoying my breakfast in the company of other guests. Apart from the odd acknowledgement, I don’t normally chat much to other guests, as most people are a bit bleary-eyed in the morning, it’s just that I like getting away from the bedroom and breaking my fast in different, and rather more ordered surroundings.

So that Wednesday morning, I headed for the ship's Britannia Restaurant, to enjoy a “silver service" breakfast.  This wasn’t because I like being “posh,” or showing off, but largely because Scottish kippers were on the menu but, as I soon discovered, the excellence of the kippers, and indeed the experience itself, was soured by the company I was seated with in the restaurant. The two old reactionary duffers, and their rather dull, nodding wives, were, I would guess, a decade or so older than me, and seemed determined to share their negative views on an array of varying subjects, amongst anyone within earshot. Number one on their list of bête noires, was the Germans, and their former chancellor, Angela Merkel. This didn’t really seem the wisest of moves, given that German nationals made up at lease half of the passengers on board, but perhaps that was their intention from the start.

They then moved on to slag off Tony Blair, even though he’s not been involved in UK politics, for a decade and a half. Blair was blamed for what they saw as the folly of granting university places to all 18 year olds who wanted them, irrespective of whether there was a job for then, at the end of it. There may have been a grain of truth in their argument, but it was the way they put it across that annoyed me. It was like the Monty Python sketch with the “Three Yorkshire-men.” “We had it tough, growing up, but try telling that to the youth of today!” One individual said that his children had gone out and found themselves proper jobs, rather doing some “airy-fairy” degree, such as English Literature. I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to nod, or even clap in approval, but he’d obviously obtained this story from one of the more rabid MSM publications. I remember noticing a headline, along similar lines, a few days before.

The final and most contentious point was brought to the conversation by the same individual, who was definitely the more vociferous of the two. I don’t know where he picked this one up from, or what facts there were, if any,  behind it, but the story revolved around what he saw as the “Conspiracy to take us back into the EU.” If only, I thought, but the pair were getting into the realms of fantasy, by this stage, and to engage with them further, would have been a complete waste of time. I was on holiday with the aim of relaxing, pampering and enjoying myself – hence the kippers. I certainly didn’t want to get involved with a couple of silly old duffers, who came across as fully paid-up members of UKIP!

The breakfast experience was saved by the excellence of the food, plus the other guest - a 90 year old American from Massachusetts. Thankfully, this fellow traveller had no interest in UK politics, and despite his age, seemed a person determined to enjoy life to the full. He said he was heading off to the gym as soon as he had finished his breakfast, something that put us all to shame, especially the other guests at the table. I didn’t let this poor experience put me off, as a few days later, and determined to experience another silver service breakfast, I returned to the restaurant, but this time I asked to be sat on my own.

For some reason I uttered the words, that I didn’t like the people I’d been placed with last time. Thinking this had sounded rather churlish, and also feeling slightly ashamed of myself, I tried excusing my behaviour by saying, “That sounds rather awful, doesn’t it?” To my surprise, the tall, slim, east-European maître d', who up until that moment had seemed rather aloof, broke into a smile, and answered, “Not at all. It is your holiday and you should be able to sit where you want and with people you feel at ease with!” She found me a convenient table, just for one, and I enjoyed another piscine breakfast, this time opting for smoked haddock, poached in milk, served up with plenty of toast. On the way out, I made a point of engaging this lady in conversation. She informed me that the food served up in the restaurant was exactly the same as that dished up in the buffet, a few decks above.

I mulled this over, but when I thought  about it further, I concluded that whilst this may have applied at breakfast, I am certain it didn’t hold true in the evenings, especially when it came to the posh, black tie, affairs that are a regular feature on cruise lines such as Cunard and P&O. I had reached this opinion on the second night of the cruise, when Eileen and I, got ourselves dressed up in order to attend one of these posh, gala evening dinners. As things turned out, it was the only such event we attended, but as the only extra items of  formal clothing I brought with me, were a business suit, plus a couple of shirts, not to have worn them didn't really affect me. The lady of the house had done the complete opposite, despite my gentle teasing, and brought more than a few formal dresses, plus accompanying shoes and other accessories. I even had to find space in my case for all this extra paraphernalia!

What I am hinting at is these formal evenings were really her idea, so after attending that initial one, I was somewhat surprised when she seemed less keen to go to any more. I wasn’t bothered and ironically enough her reluctance centered on the rather dull company we were placed with. For the third cruise in a row, we were allocated the first sitting, which starts at 6pm. This was despite a request on out booking form for the later 8.15pm sitting. The earlier time can be quite rushed, with restaurant staff anxious to ensure all three courses are served, consumed, and the plates cleared away, before the guests are ushered out, and tables made ready for the second sitting.

The real issue, and here I could see where Eileen was coming from, was again the company, as hinted above. As well as allocating first or second sitting, the cruise line allocate customers with a table number, and whilst in certain situations this can be altered, people are largely expected to stick with their allocation. So if, like us, you get lumbered with Mr & Mrs Personality, you are pretty much stuck. Tables in the Britannia Restaurant are laid out with six places, but on that first night there was just one other couple. 

Without wishing to sound too judgemental, this husband and wife team really weren’t our types. The wife was pleasant enough, in a rather too sincere way. She was painfully thin and claimed to affected by all manner of bizarre food allergies. Her husband was just obnoxious – aloof, indifferent and seemingly intent on contradicting everything his poor wife said in a manner that was both condescending and belittling. We both felt for this lady, as the situation was rather embarrassing, so when Mrs PBT’s declined my hints about attending a further event, I was more than a little relieved. I must end by saying that the food, on the other hand, was something else. My main course of poached chicken was so tasty and tender, it just melted in my mouth,  and  the white chocolate mousse dessert was also right up there with the finest of cuisine.

So it was the Kings Court Buffet for the rest of the cruise, with the occasional pub lunch at the Golden Lion pub for a bit of variety. That wasn’t quite the end though of our flirtation with the Britannia Restaurant, as early one afternoon, after becoming a little disoriented, we accidentally found ourselves in said restaurant after deciding to take a short cut. A waiter approached us, and asked if we wanted a table, before pressing a menu into our hands. He explained that no formal dress code applied at lunchtime, so after a quick glance at the food offering, we agreed to stop there for lunch. We enjoyed a really nice slice of steak and ale pie, topped with puff pastry and served with mash potato and peas. With ice cream for dessert, followed by coffee, we enjoyed the whole silver service experience, without the formality of a stuffy dress code, and also with just ourselves for company, rather than being seated next to a freak show.

For the majority of the cruise, the buffet was fine with food offerings of the highest quality, laid out in front of you. There was a changing variety of dishes served up on a daily basis, with Indian, Far Eastern, Italian, and one evening, even German cuisine served up, alongside familiar staples from home, such as roast meats, casseroles, pies, and fish & chips. All incredibly tempting, and all too far too easy to end up eating far more than is good for you, that is except we didn’t! Things have changed in the buffet section since Covid came on the scene, and the days of cruisers piling as much food as possible onto their plates, have thankfully gone. 

Rather than customers helping themselves, food is instead ladled onto your plate, which you offer up beneath a protective Perspex cover, after indicating which dishes and/or sides you want. This does mean the provision of additional staff from the cruise company’s point of view, but it prevents people from breathing, or even coughing over the food! Portion size is thus, far better controlled, although if there is a dish you really fancy, you can ask for a little extra. At a guess, I would say the cost of the additional dining room staff is offset against the phenomenal amounts of food that used to get wasted, by greedy people, all with eyes bigger than their bellies!

It still holds that you will never starve on a cruise ship, and never go hungry. In fact, you can normally find something and somewhere to eat, throughout waking hours and probably well into the night as well, and if this still fails, follow my wife’s lead, and dial up room service! Whilst this all sounds like a good thing, please be aware there is a real danger of piling on the pounds, although without wishing to sound too smug, I can report that Mrs PBT’s and I didn’t! If anything, we lost a few pounds, despite enjoying three square meals, every day. 

We put this down to the aforementioned portion control, alongside choosing healthy options, some of the time, but not on every occasion - we were, after all on holiday. In addition, there is a fair amount of walking involved on a ship, especially if you take the stairs rather then the lift. A brisk stroll around the promenade deck will also help burn off some of those additional calories, with three lap’s equivalent to 1.1 miles, and two equating to 1.1 kilometres. It’s probably a load of baloney to say that all those lungfuls of fresh sea air, helps shift the additional calories, but even if they don’t, they make you feel good, as well as tiring you out, in a good sort of way.

I’ve probably said more than enough, not just about the food options available on a cruise ship, but have also given you an insight into the people and situations you want to avoid. Don’t forget, that as well as acting like a floating hotel that provides your food and lodging, your ship is also your means of transport, capable of taking you to a different destination every day – even if that is sometimes, just another position on an ocean chart. For both Mrs PBT’s and I, there is nothing more exciting than pulling back the curtains each morning, and finding ourselves in a new, different and exciting destination.