It's been a month short of a year since I last posted
anything on this blog, but a quick look at the stats shows there are
still some visitors to these pages. A word or two of explanation as to why
nothing has appeared during this time is therefore long overdue.
Back
in March 2011, shortly after my last post, I experienced what can
only be described as a
mental breakdown. Looking back, the situation had been building
for several months (or even longer), prior to that, but came to a head whilst on a visit
to Cologne, where I was helping to man our company's stand at the
International Dental Show. This event takes place every two years, and
normally is something I would have looked forward to, especially as the
evenings afford the opportunity to enjoy a few Koelsches, in some of the
city's unspoilt taverns. This year though was different, I felt really anxious prior to the event and
didn't want to go at all. Once there, as well as feelings of extreme anxiety, I started to experience some bizarre
physical symptoms, that included fluid retention in my legs, extreme thirst and
chronic fatigue.
Convinced I was suffering from
something sinister; kidney problems or diabetes sprang to mind, I took
full advantage of my
E111 card and presented myself at a local hospital.
Here I have to take my hat off to the German Health Service, as after
just half an hour's wait I was seen by a doctor who, after noticing my
swollen lower legs, gave me a thorough check up. This included checking
my blood pressure, heart rate and even a full ECG. A blood sample was also taken and I was told to return 24 hours later to obtain the
results. (Back home this procedure takes nearly a week!) On my return,
the doctor showed me the results, which were entirely normal. After informing me there was nothing
physically wrong, he looked me directly in the eye and said the symptoms were almost certainly psychosomatic in nature.
When
I returned to the UK my own GP carried out further tests, which
confirmed the findings of his German counterpart. I was diagnosed with
severe depression and prescribed anti-depressants, primarily to
relieve the anxiety symptoms I was experiencing at the time. Despite
this I was reluctant to take this type of medication, but after being
signed off work for a period of six weeks, did so out of desperation.
Had I known then what I know now I would never have taken the tablets,
especially as this type of medication (known as
SSRI's) alters one's
brain chemistry. The medical profession claim that SSRI's are non- addictive, and whilst this may be true physically, one's body still gets used to this chemical poison, making it extremely difficult to wean
oneself off them, even when one is starting to feel better. (I have read of people suffering
from extremely unpleasant withdrawal symptoms for several weeks when
trying to do so.)
The worst thing about depression is
one loses interest in virtually everything, and things
that once afforded the greatest pleasure no longer matter or seem
important. Included amongst this unfortunately, has been my love of beer, and since
returning from Cologne I have been virtually teetotal. Whilst the beer did help me relax initially, I found myself waking the next day, or even in the night, feeling more anxious than ever; hence I knocked it on the head (temporarily I hope!).
Over the course of the last
last year I've neglected many things. Our once neat garden,
whilst not totally overgrown, is looking very sorry for itself. The
house is in bad need of decorating, both inside and out, but worst of
all though is the way I've neglected friends, my family and myself. Physically, although I lost a lot of weight initially, I've
started to put some of it back on through a combination of unhealthy eating and
lack of exercise. When I look at how my thigh and calf muscles have
wasted away through inactivity I feel a deep sense of shame - these
aren't the same legs that walked the
Weald Way last year, or the
South Downs Way a year previous to that! My upper body looks frail as well,
compared to what it was just 12 months or so ago.
Mentally, I've found
it extremely difficult to concentrate, and not only has this affected my
work, but also more everyday tasks. Sadly I had to give up the German
class I was taking, despite making good initial progress with it. In the end I just couldn't concentrate, so despite having
shelled out nearly £300 on course fees I had to call it a day, as it became just one more mental stress too many.
My not
drinking, visiting pubs or socialising, combined with ongoing
difficulties in concentrating, have meant that blogging has been the
last thing on my mind. However, as I said at the beginning I felt I owed people a long over-due explanation as to why I stopped. I still try and keep up with developments in the world of beer, even though it's extremely difficult to read about something I formerly enjoyed so much and miss such a lot.
This year though I am determined to get myself better, get my confidence and fitness back and to start living again. I am also determined to wean myself off this horrible medication and get back on the beer!!